Aula 1. Avançado

This happened, erm, a couple of years ago, just before Christmas. My boyfriend and I were out doing some last-minute shopping, and the roads were absolutely packed — cars everywhere, traffic barely moving.

So…, erm, we’re in the car when I suddenly remember we’ve got no milk, no tea, no bread — basically, nothing for breakfast tomorrow. So I say, ‘We’d better pop into the grocer’s on the corner — I’ll just grab a few things.’ And then I tell him, ‘Don’t even bother trying to park — it’ll take us all day. Just drop me off outside the shop and drive round the block. I’ll only be a minute.’

So off I go, grab the things we need, and when I come out, I see his car slowly crawling past the shop — stuck in traffic, obviously. Oh, and bear in mind, it’s freezing, and I’m all wrapped up in a hat and scarf — you can barely see my face. I run over, jump into the back seat while the car’s still moving, slap the back of the driver’s seat and say, ‘Go, go, go!’

And…, erm, yeah… that’s when it all goes wrong. The driver shouts, ‘Oh my God!’ ‘Oh my God!’ I realise it’s not my boyfriend’s voice. I pull my scarf down, look up — and there’s this poor old man, maybe seventy, absolutely terrified.

Before I can say a word, he panics, slams his foot down on the accelerator, and we go straight into the car in front!

So, yeah… I just gave a sweet old man the most traumatising Christmas present ever!

So, this happened a few years ago at work. I was part of this big team — a couple of hundred people — and there was this huge company convention coming up. Everyone was absolutely obsessed with getting one of the event shirts.

One of the guys on my team, John, couldn’t go because he had jury duty, and he says, ‘Please, please save me a shirt. Get me a medium or a large — I don’t mind, I just really want one for a gift.’

So, I go to the convention, grab the shirts, but there are only extra-large left, so I can only get one of those for John. When I get back, I send an email to the whole team saying something like, ‘Hey everyone, great event, hope you all had fun.’ Then I add, ‘John, I left you an extra-large shirt on your desk — sorry about the size.’

Then I head home. I’m driving, and my phone just keeps ringing and ringing. I’m thinking, ‘What’s going on? Is there an emergency?’ So I finally pull over and check, and it’s John.

Apparently, I’d missed the letter ‘r’. So instead of ‘shirt’, I’d written, ‘John, I left you an extra-large shit on your desk. Sorry about the size.’

Erm, this happened last summer, while I was on holiday in, um, Portugal. I’m just wandering around this little town, you know, exploring, minding my own business, when suddenly it just starts absolutely pouring down. Like, proper buckets of rain — within seconds I’m soaked through.

And then this lovely old lady — absolute angel — opens her door and says, ‘Oh, you poor thing! Come in, come in, have some coffee while it passes!’ So I go in, dripping all over her floor, and she’s so sweet — she even offers me a dry pair of trousers. Apparently they belonged to her late husband.

So I take them, thank her, and she points me to a little room so I can get changed. Now, my jeans are completely stuck to me, right? So, I’m trying to pull them off, but they’re like glued to my legs. And as I’m doing that, I sort of lose my balance, knock into a bookcase, and suddenly this urn on the top shelf wobbles… and falls.

Yeah. The urn. With her husband’s ashes. And because I’m wet, they just… stick. All over me. Like, honestly, I’m standing there — half naked, dripping wet, covered in… well… her husband.

She runs in, gasps, covers her mouth, and I just go, ‘I’m so, so sorry!’ And she says, ‘Oh, don’t worry, dear — he always liked meeting new people!’

So, erm, yeah… not exactly the cultural experience I was expecting.